I feel like it’s been a really, really long time since I’ve just been real on here about life. In May, we moved to Hawaii and lived out a hotel for two months while we searched to buy a home. In July, we closed on our house, moved in, Claire started walking & becoming a full fledged toddler, I had a friend visit, and my sister-in-law moved in with us. To say the past few months have been full of change and more change would be an understatement.
I feel I’ve done well with all the changes, but it has of course taken a toll on me in some ways. The best thing I did for myself in this time was take a step back from social media. I’ve learned that the worst thing I can do for myself in times of transition is sit around and compare myself to what other people are doing and what I’m not. The best thing I could do was refocus myself as a person and most importantly right now, as a mom.
I mentioned last week that I don’t feel like my return to blogging after my hiatus in July has really been a return at all. I also mentioned earlier this year that I’m not planning on shutting my blog down anytime soon. Both of those things conflict with each other, so where am I on this?
That’s a good question.
To be totally honest, right after I published the Why I’m Not Quitting Blogging post, I felt like quitting. A bunch of my favorite blogs and good blends were saying goodbye to blogging. They were all new moms too and probably realized, like I have, that motherhood is way more important a task and you only get one shot at it. The internet will always be there, but your kid’s babyhood and childhood is a one time deal.
Through the transition to coming to Hawaii, I felt super awkward at first too. I was living in Waikiki, one of the most famous beaches in the world. I didn’t have a car so some of my only options were to hang out at the pool or beach all day. I have honestly felt very misunderstood living in Hawaii though because people assume I am living some dream life. But the truth is, it’s really very different than it’s cracked up to be. I’m not on vacation here because I still have real life to attend to. No one is handing me mai tais on the beach while I tan. And with a toddler, being at the beach all day is actually one of the most unenjoyable experiences ever 😉 I’m definitely going to share more about that later.
Now that we’re in our final living place, I assumed I’d have it more together by now but that is so far from the truth. Really, I should be cutting myself some slack in this area. I’ve only lived in our new home for seven weeks. In that time, Claire has had a rough time napping and just a hard time in general. With our new home came a lot of new rules for her, so most of my day is spent making sure she
doesn’t kill herself stays safe. Her naps also completely disappeared for about four weeks. We were on the go so much and had new people in the house with us that it just didn’t facilitate a good schedule or routine for her.
Her nap time was my blog and work time and it just disappeared for a good month. I have been struggling so hard to make time for blogging because of that. I haven’t read really any blogs in the longest time and feel awful about it. She’s napping right now, which is why I have time to write this post! Her nap schedule is getting better, but requires us to be home at exact times. If I miss her nap window, she will literally not nap all day and then is very cranky and throws fits most the day. This leaves me wearing the bad mom badge (–> a good post you should read from Colleen), feeling like a failure because I haven’t come up with the perfect nap routine for her by 16 months despite the fact that we’ve lived in three different places in 16 months too. For those of you who aren’t parents or still believe that kids will have some perfectly crafted schedule, let me tell you – that’s been total BS for us!
Anyway – the point I’m trying to make is, I feel like I don’t have time to be more present here. I hate saying “I’m just too busy” but most days fitting blogging in feels more like a chore (that’s never-ending) than something I get enjoyment out of. If I had a solid time of day to stay on top of blogging like I did during nap times, I do think I’d enjoy it again.
But at the same time, I get relief and feel better by writing posts like this. And any time I write something like this, you guys respond awesome and make me remember why it’s all worth it.
Where I really think I am with blogging right now is this: it is what it is. I will be more intentional with it when I have the time to, but in this busy season of motherhood, there just isn’t a whole lot of time. And I’ve got to be okay with that.
That means that sometimes I won’t post a lot. I have pretty much given up on the idea of trying to monetize my blog seriously because again – time. After four years of blogging and not “making it big,” I’m just over trying to make this something that it’s not. It is what it is and I like it that way. I might not ever be a blog that wins awards or is featured somewhere (and truthfully, most aren’t) and that’s okay.
I’m glad for those of you who have been reading since the beginning and don’t care where this blog has gone or not gone. You’ve just been here for me and that means a lot.
Questions for You:
- If you blog, do you go through phases of loving it and really disliking it?
- Do you find yourself feeling “so busy” or feeling guilty about that? How do you manage that?