I wasn’t going to post anything today because, frankly, this week has been so off-kilter for me that blogging really didn’t cross my mind. I’m still recovering from vacation last week, and since this is a holiday week, I feel like all the things I’m working toward in having a more regular schedule are just falling to the way side.
I ran 4 miles this morning in 90+ degrees and a ton of humidity, despite the heat advisory in Massachusetts today. The past few weeks with vacation & all threw off my running schedule. I easily could’ve said no to my run today because of the heat, but my husband decided to join me. Misery loves company, right? We were definitely both miserable at the end, but I needed to do it.
The rest of the day has been an ebb & flow of being overwhelmed or disappointed. I’m trying to prepare for my Mary Kay open house party tomorrow, but part of me feels like I have no idea what I’m doing.
After literally what took all day, I do have a rough outline of what my party presentation will look like. But it took all of me to accomplish that. And I didn’t do a lot of other things I was hoping to get to today, which always leaves me feeling like I wasted my time and didn’t work to my full potential.
Part of me feels like I’m just not “enough” today.
I got on Twitter for the bajillionth time and saw a tweet by Joan C. Webb, linking to this article. The article is titled “The Gaping Hole in Your Happiness” by Michael Reynolds. I highly suggest reading the article, but if you don’t have time, the basic premise was: God loves you, stop performing for His love.
Not really a new message, I’ll admit. Yup, I’ve heard this before and thought, Oh yeah, I should totally adopt that mindset. But I never really do.
The deep-rooted, perfectionistic, self-demanding part of me sometimes rips me to pieces, until I think I’ll always be unhappy and I’ll never be enough. Wanting things to be perfect is, unfortuantely, a core part of my beliefs & personality. It’s very hard to just “stop performing.” And sometimes, I’m not even performing for God. Most of the time, it’s for other people (to gain their approval) or for myself (to make myself feel good).
But it’s exhausting and not worth it. Performing is so far from what God wants me to do. He simple wants me to do what He says (instead of what I want or think) and accept His great love for me – two things that I am often completely rejecting lately. And because I’ve been ignoring those important things, my circumstances have really gotten me down lately.
No wonder I feel overwhelmed and out of whack!
All these feelings remind me of the song “Steady my Heart” by Kari Job, where she sings:
Even when it hurts
Even when it’s hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
My faith is definitely not perfect right now. I’ve let busyness & life get in the way of what the Lord probably wants for me. But that article provided a breath of fresh air for me to know that even when literally everything in my life seems out of whack, God’s love never changes.
I don’t mean to be a downer, especially on a Friday, but sometimes I’ve just got to write what’s on my heart. Hope you have a good weekend 🙂
Questions for You:
- When everything is going wrong, what brings you back to the reality that it’s all going to be okay?