Lately, for about the past two weeks or so, I’ve been feeling kind of all over the place. Do you ever get like that, feeling as if you’re just not caught up on things, not doing what you wanted to be doing? I’ve felt extra moody, not very happy, and just plain overwhelmed.
I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with anxiety. This is something that I committed in prayer to the Lord for an entire year. Undoubtedly, I’ve grown away from anxiety and toward “where I think I need to be,” and hopefully where God wants me to be. Yet lately, I feel in reverse. My anxiety is, at times, worse than I ever thought it could be. What’s up?
Daily, I struggle with fear, doubt, and anxiety that my life and I am just not perfect. I think:
– Why are the dishes never done?
– Why does the house never seem clean even though I just cleaned it?
– Why do I feel like I’m trying to eat healthy, but I still feel exhausted and I have that “fat” feeling?
– Why is my desire to spend time in prayer and be still seem to be missing?
– Why do I try so hard and rush around, busying myself, only to find that at the end of the day, nothing really got done?
Sometimes, I let these thoughts eat away at me and it produces the ugliest insecurity. I start to feel like nothing is going right, and then I believe the lie that everything is going wrong and it’s all my fault. And yet, I know deep down that none of this is true. So why do I cling to these thoughts so fervently? I suppose it’s just comfortable complacency.
This morning at church, in the most perfect timing as usual, I was kindly reminded (for the 10,897th time) that…
- God is in control
- He has a plan for my life
- He loves me
Those are really the only things I need to know. No matter how bleak or different my life may look at times, God has a plan that – even when I can’t see it – is good because He loves me. The end! There is truly nothing more I need to grasp than this concept. Yet sometimes I feel like it may take my whole life to grasp this.
A verse that stuck out to me this week that I found while reading a devotional at night is Ecclesiastes 4:6. It reads…
This verse pretty much sums up my problems as of late. Lately, I feel it’s better to keep myself so busy with nothing really – worry, fears, and just plain busyness. I get addicted to action because I am afraid of what it feels like to face myself when I stop doing. But what I truly long for is to let go. To only have one hand full, as this verse states. And to not fill myself with toil and chase after things that don’t matter.
I want to find that tranquility that I know God has reserved for me.
But I know to find this is a choice. Every day I have the choice to busy myself or take a step back to breathe and realize: today is only one day. I can only get so much done. Stop demanding so much from yourself.
Happiness: A Choice
It’s my choice whether or not I choose to be happy too. Largely, I start my day with anxiety that started brewing yesterday. Realistically, I’ve been hugely lacking in prayer lately for peace, tranquility, and for my anxiety in general. I know that if I want the life I envision and the life that God is calling me to live, I must not do more but I must actually do less.
I actually feel that I am doing what God has called me to do PLUS a million things He has not called me to do.
He has not asked me to be worried, hurried, and anxious.
He has not asked me to believe the lie that what I do and who I am is not enough.
He does not wish for my tasks to make me feel inadequate and silly.
Ultimately, I must give up all of this garbage and focus only on what He wants me to do: pray, take things one step and one day at a time, and generally – be obedient.
I could probably write a whole book on this subject, which brings me to my next topic. I blog about my faith here and there, but probably not as much as I’d like to. Sometimes I ignore my desire to open up about my faith, maybe because I’ve felt so insecure lately. But today I felt the sudden conviction that I wasn’t following His plan anymore. That I had somehow dismissed my desire to write about faith and that that was what He is calling me to do.
I also love to hold myself accountable through blogging. I do this with fitness and exercise, so why not extend this to my faith? I’ve decided to start a weekly post about my faith now to do this. I’m calling it Faith in my Friday. So be on the lookout for the first post this coming Friday 🙂
Questions for you:
- Does this verse resonate with your actions?
- What’s your opinion about blogging about faith?