First, I will say, I am not pregnant! But I’ll be honest, I have thought about having a second child since the day Claire was born. Yup. That sounds totally insane, but if you’re a mom maybe you’ll get what I mean.
Claire’s birthday was the best day of my life. I was totally that mom who loved her baby from the second I met her and have been just as in love ever since. My birth was pretty good and made up for my very not enjoyable pregnancy. I ultimately decided like most moms do that it was definitely not bad enough to not do it over again. I actually think my thoughts not long after her birth were “That wasn’t that bad at all! I’d definitely do that again.” I know – probably insane sounding to some of you.
I’m really grateful my birth experience gave me the opportunity to say that. God and biology willing – I can say with 99% certainty that there will be a second baby for us.
I have extremely mixed feelings about it all. I always envisioned having kids close together in age. My husband and I both agree on that and would like our kids to be no more than about two and a half years apart at the greatest, if we could choose (but I know it doesn’t always work out like that). But now that I am here a year later and should basically be pregnant right now or sometime later this year if I wanted that to happen, I have to say I’m not feeling it at all.
My biggest concerns are this:
- I hated pregnancy and am dreading going through that again
- I’m 100% afraid of having another year+ of not sleeping
- I don’t feel ready to sacrifice my body again after feeling like I just got back to normal in terms of healthy eating and fitness
I know with pregnancy, a second one could be totally different. I hope it would be totally different, in a good way, and that I actually get to enjoy pregnancy. But I’ve also had the thoughts of, what if it’s even worse? I had next to no morning sickness, like actual getting sick, with Claire. I was super nauseous but that’s about it. So what if I’m puking my guts out next time? With a one year old running around? How do you even do that?!
With sleep, Claire just started sleeping well within the last few months. That means the first 9 months were honestly pretty awful for us. Months 4-9 were consistent with about 4-5 wake ups per night, sometimes more. I am just getting over being exhausted. To think of doing that all over again later this year or next year? NOTHANKYOU! The sleep bit is just like pregnancy though in that what if my next kid is the sleeper? I so hope and pray he or she is, but what if all my kids don’t sleep? You just don’t know until you’re there.
As for my body, this has to be the hardest pill to swallow. My postpartum experience with fitness and getting back into shape has been so incredibly far off from what I thought it would be like. This has not be a pretty chapter of my life for body image.
I was seriously depressed about my body for months on end. Breastfeeding actually kept weight on me and didn’t help me lose a pound from what I could tell. I honestly felt like a blimp, a wider, doughy version of myself that I could hardly do anything about to change except wait. And here I am a year postpartum and pretty excited that I feel as back to normal as I think I’ll get. And another pregnancy is looming in the distance, ready to undo it all over again?
I know that sounds really selfish. But I’m just being honest. I know that it’s God’s design and purpose for me is to be a mother and for my body to go through that. Do I regret any of this or wish it didn’t happen? No way. Claire is 110% worth it. I would do all this twice again just for her alone. I just know that my heart and mind are not ready for so much change again.
Maybe I am putting too much pressure on myself to think that another baby needs to happen soon. I have been praying about the timing of another baby and just letting that be in Gods hands instead of trying to “plan” it myself. But I just kind of want the baby years to get over with quick. I don’t want to feel like I’m starting all over again in three years or something when I’m older. I do think it would be easier – although harder at the same time – to have kids close in age and just be done with the sippy cups, diapers, extremely large baby contraptions all over my house in one fell swoop instead of dragging it out for years.
When I really ask myself the question Can I do this again? I know the answer is yes. People have been having multiple children since caveman days. If they can do it, so can I. Do I want to do this again right now? The answer is not really.
Sometimes it’s also hard to imagine loving another child as much as I love Claire too. Obviously before she was here, that love wasn’t fully there yet. But now she fills my day and my heart has certainly grown to accommodate all the love I have for her. I know my heart would grow again as our family does. It’s just one of those things you can hardly wrap your mind around until it just happens.
If I was pregnant tomorrow, I would be beyond excited and I know well before the end of that pregnancy, I would be “ready.” I hope in the months to come that I can start to get closer to actually desiring all the changes that comes with another baby and convincing myself that I’m ready instead of dreading it like I am now. I’m definitely not dreading another child, just the long process to get there.
I have a hunch that all my feelings will change the second I know another baby – an actual little person – is in the process of changing and growing our family once again. Even as selfish as my thoughts are some days, I know that my true heart is one of a mother who will love that child well before they are even born and that baby will be totally worth it too.
Questions for You:
- Any other one babe mommas have similar thoughts?
- What have your thoughts been about future children? What was your experience with the transition to a growing family?